Going into Story or Being on Holiday
It takes time to resolve these lifelong habits. A new habit is being created (no one is doing it). The habit is being free. This new habit will outshine everything else.
I hear you say that no matter what my thoughts and feelings are, even if they are incredibly cruel, they are just like a wave in the ocean.
Yes, what is, is. There is no fault if unpleasant thoughts and feelings show up. Is there any fault if you get angry when your caregiver shows up late?
No.
From speaking with you, I know that you are concerned with the emotions that are appearing for you. Regardless of how they are being elicited, is there any fault on your part that anger appears?
No.
Is there some judgment that you should not be angry, and you have to fix yourself, or do something to get rid of the anger?
Well, I just don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good.
Of course, and sometimes anger is justified. Anger (as with any emotion) can elicit a story in your mind which can attract your attention and cause the anger to grow and stay around longer. It is very normal for this to occur.
It seems like it is harder for me to deal with anger after doing this work with you.
Why do you think that is?
Because there is a contrast between when I am on holiday and when I am in a story.
What solution is there? Obviously, your circumstance is what it is. One alternative is to keep having holidays and see your essential nature and the end of the story. The other alternative is to continue on with the story, being angry and feeling justified with the anger.
The habit for a majority of people is alternative number two. Now, you see there is a different option. What I hear you saying is now that you know there is another way, the old habit is clearly becoming very painful to keep. In a holiday, there is relief. Now, you know that relief. Of course, the suffering is now more unbearable. So, what is there to do? Stay the course.
I noticed recently that I have some resistance to being on holiday. I notice that I don’t want it.
Yes, because what you want in that moment (no judgment) is to be in the story. If that is what you want, that is what you will get. If you want freedom, that is what you will get. If you go into a story, just notice with no judgment that that is what you wanted.
There is no one doing the wanting and yet, wanting is there. There is no one choosing it or creating it. You either want something or you don’t. You can’t choose. In the moment that a story is coming, you don’t choose to want the story or choose to want freedom. That is why I say there is no judgment. If in the moment, you go into a story, it is clear that is what you want. You did not choose to want it. The desire or interest to be in the story and to be justified just appears.
A moment later, maybe a holiday appears, and you will see the value of that. You will then naturally want that. You don’t choose to want that either.
Suffering can be considered grace because you can see the difference between going into the stories or having a holiday. That is why this work takes time. Clearly, the solution is known to you because you see the difference. Knowing the value of a holiday is very important because once you know the value, you will want that.
Inquirer 2: I had a point of clarification. I have times when a strong thought or emotion comes up and I have the thought to have a holiday, but immediately another thought comes up “Fuck that, I am NOT having a holiday!” My question is, am I having a holiday when I just have the thought “have a holiday?”
The holiday already occurred. That is why the thought to have a holiday appeared.
Inquirer 2: So, in the moment when I am telling myself that I am not going to have a holiday, that is a holiday.
Yes, you are aware of yourself in that moment. Knowing is present. Let’s say you are wrapped up in thoughts and then the thought “have a holiday” appears. Why would that thought appear? It appears because you know that you are aware of only thoughts in that moment. That is the order of things.
Inquirer 3: One of the disadvantages of taking holidays is that it requires you to give up the story and all of your righteousness about it.
That is right.
Inquirer 2: I recall someone mentioning that it was a huge loss for them to give up prayer and meditation. What I notice on the other side is that there is a loss by giving up the misery and depression I have been holding on to. I see that it has been my default habit to gravitate towards these emotions and thoughts.
It is a habit. This is a lifestyle basically and it has been going on for however long it has been going on. It takes time to resolve these lifelong habits. A new habit is being created (no one is doing it). The habit is being free. This new habit will outshine everything else.
Excerpt from Sal’s book - The Way of Freedom
